Look!
http://www.literotica.com/s/becoming-whole
Read the comment!
Then read this; and read the comments. You will be proud of me.
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-poem
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
important thoughts; though a little scary....
Dear Ray,
It is very early Sunday morning, and I'm keeping my promise to write to you. I didn't write yesterday, the day you left, because I was at Daniels house, trying to open up lines of communication.
It is starting to get very hurtful, his lack of seeing me, but after today, I understand a little better. Yesterday, we ended up shouting at each other, which is unfortunately often what it takes for him to realize that there is something wrong at all. Traditionally, the day after this happens, he opens up communication, probably out of temporary fear of losing me altogether. So today, after sitting in the sun and talking quite rationally, I discovered this:
Daniel is severely depressed. However, he has no job and therefore no health insurance to pay for needed medication. So he has to try to deal by himself. He has discovered that the root cause of this depression is the feeling that he has not done anything productive at all in a great long while. In order to solve this problem, he invents little useful things for himself to do with his brain and time, i.e. programming his websites.
The downside of this is that if he does not meet his little deadlines for progress inside his head, he gets even more frustrated. Which is where I represent problems in his mind, because stopping to hang out with me in any way impede his progress, therefore adding to this depression. You can see where I have problems with this logic from time to time, because I am the girlfriend. And so we reach an impasse. I am asking for the little things to remind me that I am loved; he is wondering where such integers fit into the current line of code in his brain.
How we ended up figuring this out is that I asked him straight out if he enjoyed being needed. I meant as a lover; because of his current distinct lack of touch in my direction. He took it to mean globally, and told me that he didn't want to be my be-all end-all. He kept repeating that phrase yesterday, actually the day before now, when I was at his house. It was really scary, because of two things. One, I'm not shallow enough to think that one person would be my whole world, and he knows this, so it was very insulting, and he's not usually purposefully insulting. Secondly, it just generally felt like he was breaking up with me, which was terrifying, because I love him.
Out of this fear for both of us came the ability to have the discussion in the sunlight today; and the discovery of the cause.
He says he likes it when I come over from your house or from anywhere after he's been working for a little while, to give him balance and a break. He says he's happy that I met you and that we can do our own thing, and I'm learning to do things separate from him. I'm confused because this is not new to me; but I guess the acknowledgment is new to him; so whatever works. He says my dog will help us both. He says he does love me, and/but he's working with his brain the only way he can to keep out of his depression without medicinal help, so that I have to try to be patient and help in whatever way possible. To that end:
I have declared that he is only coming over here/inviting me over there when he really wants to see me. No more obligation visits. Therefore, when I am invited, I cannot be treated like I'm unwanted in the space. Also, it is not my job to try to mind read whether he really meant the invitation or not.
He is going to work at getting a job again; even if it is just volunteer.
He is going to help me/us, meaning you and me, find a place, so that he no longer has to worry about the stress level here.
I am truly hopeful that we can get through all this.
But it made me miss you extra much; because it's so easy to be around you. To be open with you; without even trying. And even to be body free, without having to work so hard with words all of the time. Although I am really curious about your level of enjoyment in helping me discover my body beautiful. On the other hand, I know that trying to label it or level it will take away the sacredness of it, but I can't help wondering anyway.
Because, as scary as this is to write down/say, for fear of your panic;
I love you.
Different from the love across the street, and definitely not replacing it or changing it, but just as strong or stronger, because of the lack of struggle relating to it. I don't have to work or be somebody I'm not that day. It just is. And we can laugh about anything without always having to be deep and serious, knowing that they are mostly the same anyway. I'm learning to love myself when I'm around you, and even just because you are in my life. And that's the greatest gift ever. Thank you.
And please don't be scared or run away. Even though I want to know your related thoughts to this, if you have any, you don't have to respond in any way. I just wanted to put my own thoughts and gratitude down. Nothing else need be said, done or written unless you want to.
But for now, I must post this before I lose my nerve; and sleep before I stop making sense. More will come soon.
Love and light always,
Amber
It is very early Sunday morning, and I'm keeping my promise to write to you. I didn't write yesterday, the day you left, because I was at Daniels house, trying to open up lines of communication.
It is starting to get very hurtful, his lack of seeing me, but after today, I understand a little better. Yesterday, we ended up shouting at each other, which is unfortunately often what it takes for him to realize that there is something wrong at all. Traditionally, the day after this happens, he opens up communication, probably out of temporary fear of losing me altogether. So today, after sitting in the sun and talking quite rationally, I discovered this:
Daniel is severely depressed. However, he has no job and therefore no health insurance to pay for needed medication. So he has to try to deal by himself. He has discovered that the root cause of this depression is the feeling that he has not done anything productive at all in a great long while. In order to solve this problem, he invents little useful things for himself to do with his brain and time, i.e. programming his websites.
The downside of this is that if he does not meet his little deadlines for progress inside his head, he gets even more frustrated. Which is where I represent problems in his mind, because stopping to hang out with me in any way impede his progress, therefore adding to this depression. You can see where I have problems with this logic from time to time, because I am the girlfriend. And so we reach an impasse. I am asking for the little things to remind me that I am loved; he is wondering where such integers fit into the current line of code in his brain.
How we ended up figuring this out is that I asked him straight out if he enjoyed being needed. I meant as a lover; because of his current distinct lack of touch in my direction. He took it to mean globally, and told me that he didn't want to be my be-all end-all. He kept repeating that phrase yesterday, actually the day before now, when I was at his house. It was really scary, because of two things. One, I'm not shallow enough to think that one person would be my whole world, and he knows this, so it was very insulting, and he's not usually purposefully insulting. Secondly, it just generally felt like he was breaking up with me, which was terrifying, because I love him.
Out of this fear for both of us came the ability to have the discussion in the sunlight today; and the discovery of the cause.
He says he likes it when I come over from your house or from anywhere after he's been working for a little while, to give him balance and a break. He says he's happy that I met you and that we can do our own thing, and I'm learning to do things separate from him. I'm confused because this is not new to me; but I guess the acknowledgment is new to him; so whatever works. He says my dog will help us both. He says he does love me, and/but he's working with his brain the only way he can to keep out of his depression without medicinal help, so that I have to try to be patient and help in whatever way possible. To that end:
I have declared that he is only coming over here/inviting me over there when he really wants to see me. No more obligation visits. Therefore, when I am invited, I cannot be treated like I'm unwanted in the space. Also, it is not my job to try to mind read whether he really meant the invitation or not.
He is going to work at getting a job again; even if it is just volunteer.
He is going to help me/us, meaning you and me, find a place, so that he no longer has to worry about the stress level here.
I am truly hopeful that we can get through all this.
But it made me miss you extra much; because it's so easy to be around you. To be open with you; without even trying. And even to be body free, without having to work so hard with words all of the time. Although I am really curious about your level of enjoyment in helping me discover my body beautiful. On the other hand, I know that trying to label it or level it will take away the sacredness of it, but I can't help wondering anyway.
Because, as scary as this is to write down/say, for fear of your panic;
I love you.
Different from the love across the street, and definitely not replacing it or changing it, but just as strong or stronger, because of the lack of struggle relating to it. I don't have to work or be somebody I'm not that day. It just is. And we can laugh about anything without always having to be deep and serious, knowing that they are mostly the same anyway. I'm learning to love myself when I'm around you, and even just because you are in my life. And that's the greatest gift ever. Thank you.
And please don't be scared or run away. Even though I want to know your related thoughts to this, if you have any, you don't have to respond in any way. I just wanted to put my own thoughts and gratitude down. Nothing else need be said, done or written unless you want to.
But for now, I must post this before I lose my nerve; and sleep before I stop making sense. More will come soon.
Love and light always,
Amber
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Up on the Roof...........
This Might cheer you up. I love you...
Horny boys on the roof brought to you by RedTube - Home of free porn videos
Horny boys on the roof brought to you by RedTube - Home of free porn videos
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)