Look!
http://www.literotica.com/s/becoming-whole
Read the comment!
Then read this; and read the comments. You will be proud of me.
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-poem
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
important thoughts; though a little scary....
Dear Ray,
It is very early Sunday morning, and I'm keeping my promise to write to you. I didn't write yesterday, the day you left, because I was at Daniels house, trying to open up lines of communication.
It is starting to get very hurtful, his lack of seeing me, but after today, I understand a little better. Yesterday, we ended up shouting at each other, which is unfortunately often what it takes for him to realize that there is something wrong at all. Traditionally, the day after this happens, he opens up communication, probably out of temporary fear of losing me altogether. So today, after sitting in the sun and talking quite rationally, I discovered this:
Daniel is severely depressed. However, he has no job and therefore no health insurance to pay for needed medication. So he has to try to deal by himself. He has discovered that the root cause of this depression is the feeling that he has not done anything productive at all in a great long while. In order to solve this problem, he invents little useful things for himself to do with his brain and time, i.e. programming his websites.
The downside of this is that if he does not meet his little deadlines for progress inside his head, he gets even more frustrated. Which is where I represent problems in his mind, because stopping to hang out with me in any way impede his progress, therefore adding to this depression. You can see where I have problems with this logic from time to time, because I am the girlfriend. And so we reach an impasse. I am asking for the little things to remind me that I am loved; he is wondering where such integers fit into the current line of code in his brain.
How we ended up figuring this out is that I asked him straight out if he enjoyed being needed. I meant as a lover; because of his current distinct lack of touch in my direction. He took it to mean globally, and told me that he didn't want to be my be-all end-all. He kept repeating that phrase yesterday, actually the day before now, when I was at his house. It was really scary, because of two things. One, I'm not shallow enough to think that one person would be my whole world, and he knows this, so it was very insulting, and he's not usually purposefully insulting. Secondly, it just generally felt like he was breaking up with me, which was terrifying, because I love him.
Out of this fear for both of us came the ability to have the discussion in the sunlight today; and the discovery of the cause.
He says he likes it when I come over from your house or from anywhere after he's been working for a little while, to give him balance and a break. He says he's happy that I met you and that we can do our own thing, and I'm learning to do things separate from him. I'm confused because this is not new to me; but I guess the acknowledgment is new to him; so whatever works. He says my dog will help us both. He says he does love me, and/but he's working with his brain the only way he can to keep out of his depression without medicinal help, so that I have to try to be patient and help in whatever way possible. To that end:
I have declared that he is only coming over here/inviting me over there when he really wants to see me. No more obligation visits. Therefore, when I am invited, I cannot be treated like I'm unwanted in the space. Also, it is not my job to try to mind read whether he really meant the invitation or not.
He is going to work at getting a job again; even if it is just volunteer.
He is going to help me/us, meaning you and me, find a place, so that he no longer has to worry about the stress level here.
I am truly hopeful that we can get through all this.
But it made me miss you extra much; because it's so easy to be around you. To be open with you; without even trying. And even to be body free, without having to work so hard with words all of the time. Although I am really curious about your level of enjoyment in helping me discover my body beautiful. On the other hand, I know that trying to label it or level it will take away the sacredness of it, but I can't help wondering anyway.
Because, as scary as this is to write down/say, for fear of your panic;
I love you.
Different from the love across the street, and definitely not replacing it or changing it, but just as strong or stronger, because of the lack of struggle relating to it. I don't have to work or be somebody I'm not that day. It just is. And we can laugh about anything without always having to be deep and serious, knowing that they are mostly the same anyway. I'm learning to love myself when I'm around you, and even just because you are in my life. And that's the greatest gift ever. Thank you.
And please don't be scared or run away. Even though I want to know your related thoughts to this, if you have any, you don't have to respond in any way. I just wanted to put my own thoughts and gratitude down. Nothing else need be said, done or written unless you want to.
But for now, I must post this before I lose my nerve; and sleep before I stop making sense. More will come soon.
Love and light always,
Amber
It is very early Sunday morning, and I'm keeping my promise to write to you. I didn't write yesterday, the day you left, because I was at Daniels house, trying to open up lines of communication.
It is starting to get very hurtful, his lack of seeing me, but after today, I understand a little better. Yesterday, we ended up shouting at each other, which is unfortunately often what it takes for him to realize that there is something wrong at all. Traditionally, the day after this happens, he opens up communication, probably out of temporary fear of losing me altogether. So today, after sitting in the sun and talking quite rationally, I discovered this:
Daniel is severely depressed. However, he has no job and therefore no health insurance to pay for needed medication. So he has to try to deal by himself. He has discovered that the root cause of this depression is the feeling that he has not done anything productive at all in a great long while. In order to solve this problem, he invents little useful things for himself to do with his brain and time, i.e. programming his websites.
The downside of this is that if he does not meet his little deadlines for progress inside his head, he gets even more frustrated. Which is where I represent problems in his mind, because stopping to hang out with me in any way impede his progress, therefore adding to this depression. You can see where I have problems with this logic from time to time, because I am the girlfriend. And so we reach an impasse. I am asking for the little things to remind me that I am loved; he is wondering where such integers fit into the current line of code in his brain.
How we ended up figuring this out is that I asked him straight out if he enjoyed being needed. I meant as a lover; because of his current distinct lack of touch in my direction. He took it to mean globally, and told me that he didn't want to be my be-all end-all. He kept repeating that phrase yesterday, actually the day before now, when I was at his house. It was really scary, because of two things. One, I'm not shallow enough to think that one person would be my whole world, and he knows this, so it was very insulting, and he's not usually purposefully insulting. Secondly, it just generally felt like he was breaking up with me, which was terrifying, because I love him.
Out of this fear for both of us came the ability to have the discussion in the sunlight today; and the discovery of the cause.
He says he likes it when I come over from your house or from anywhere after he's been working for a little while, to give him balance and a break. He says he's happy that I met you and that we can do our own thing, and I'm learning to do things separate from him. I'm confused because this is not new to me; but I guess the acknowledgment is new to him; so whatever works. He says my dog will help us both. He says he does love me, and/but he's working with his brain the only way he can to keep out of his depression without medicinal help, so that I have to try to be patient and help in whatever way possible. To that end:
I have declared that he is only coming over here/inviting me over there when he really wants to see me. No more obligation visits. Therefore, when I am invited, I cannot be treated like I'm unwanted in the space. Also, it is not my job to try to mind read whether he really meant the invitation or not.
He is going to work at getting a job again; even if it is just volunteer.
He is going to help me/us, meaning you and me, find a place, so that he no longer has to worry about the stress level here.
I am truly hopeful that we can get through all this.
But it made me miss you extra much; because it's so easy to be around you. To be open with you; without even trying. And even to be body free, without having to work so hard with words all of the time. Although I am really curious about your level of enjoyment in helping me discover my body beautiful. On the other hand, I know that trying to label it or level it will take away the sacredness of it, but I can't help wondering anyway.
Because, as scary as this is to write down/say, for fear of your panic;
I love you.
Different from the love across the street, and definitely not replacing it or changing it, but just as strong or stronger, because of the lack of struggle relating to it. I don't have to work or be somebody I'm not that day. It just is. And we can laugh about anything without always having to be deep and serious, knowing that they are mostly the same anyway. I'm learning to love myself when I'm around you, and even just because you are in my life. And that's the greatest gift ever. Thank you.
And please don't be scared or run away. Even though I want to know your related thoughts to this, if you have any, you don't have to respond in any way. I just wanted to put my own thoughts and gratitude down. Nothing else need be said, done or written unless you want to.
But for now, I must post this before I lose my nerve; and sleep before I stop making sense. More will come soon.
Love and light always,
Amber
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Up on the Roof...........
This Might cheer you up. I love you...
Horny boys on the roof brought to you by RedTube - Home of free porn videos
Horny boys on the roof brought to you by RedTube - Home of free porn videos
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
out on a limb; what little I know about my body and its needs. a work in progress
June 23, 2009
Dear one,
I realize I don't usually e-mail you, but I may not get to talk to you today because you are trying to be out and about right now, and later is the play for me. Besides, today's a perfect day out, and it made me think of you.
So I decided to try to do something that I've ever done before. I guess you could call the idea a version of the honoring your body project, with a twist. Because I cannot see my whole body yet to do the project for myself, I'm going to try to tell you what I know about my own body, just out of interest for both of us, so that you know what little I know better, to make rare connected times even more happy and peaceful; and also that I am forced to actually describe what I know. I'm actually a little afraid, but I'm going to do it anyway. I know it goes without saying, but this does not, any of it, show itself anywhere else without asking first. I'm nervous and excited enough as it is.
You figured some of it out already on your own. For example, my head/hair. I love having them played with, especially by a person that I know truly cares. It is so relaxing, and pulls me into a moment and/or my body, rather than letting me float above it. Anything that does that is truly important, as I tend to see myself as my mind without a body. So it is the same thing with the trick you've found that I did not even have words for before; finding my neck/heartbeat and staying there in some way until you feel me become completely present.
My ears are just warm, but also ticklish. Because I hear so well, any whisper at a low and/or intense enough register hits the base of my spine somehow and makes me squirm. This can be fun to play with, but it's also a little cruel. Also, they are obviously good for receiving encouraging sounds and/or words from you. Now, I gather you are not usually much of a verbalizer in these types of moments, and I respect that, understand it, and would never force you to be.
But you should know that, at least in our current surroundings, a little of that helps me. The night you tried a little of that was the most awesomely intense for me so far, because it shut out the train, (which is like a clock for me because I know it runs every 15 minutes) worries about the neighbor, sounds in the hall, anger over violations, and most amazingly and importantly, all of the negative voices in my head. And present? I don't think I've ever been more so in my life. I could see, hear, and feel everywhere you were and everything you were trying to show me. And it was mine. My body was my own amazing beautiful thing, not just something to try to escape from regularly. I think that's one reason why my release was so elusive. I never ever ever wanted that feeling of power and beauty to end.
That being said, when we finally get to a place where we don't have to worry about any of that other stuff, I will purely enjoy just feeling in complete silence as much as you do.
My nose was noted as well. I could smell sunshine stored in skin, and my smell, which I love, and a little of you, which reminded me a little of the earth after a rain.
My hands and arms are a little weak to be able to give back much, but they are hypersensitive to what we once and again called tracing. It makes me feel all powerful, like I can just jump off the bed and pull you down. It was the idea behind how I tried desperately to give back to you.
My breasts enjoy all you have given them so far. I love the suckle feeling, because I can really feel the energy leaving me and flowing into you. You can be a little more firm in sucking if you want so that I don't float away. Similarly, sometimes they actually physically ache, and squeezing helps this. Don't worry about causing pain. I'll tell you when it hurts.
I don't know much about my belly, not much positive anyway. The one little secret there is that my bellybutton seems to have a direct inside connection with my pussy, or at least it used to. Give me circles there, and I can feel them inside. Have no idea why. I used to try to use it as small comfort. Never completely worked on my tries, though.
Similarly, I have no clue about my legs except they're skinny and don't do much good. They do like to be traced, and seems to spread open to varying degrees automatically when I am close to release. Nothing about my feet is known, except there are small and very ticklish.
About my pussy itself, you know more than me at the moment. I just know circles are good, deep is sometimes very good, and the energy for release is too elusive, and usually hide at first in the deep lower right-hand corner. And I do, very desperately sometimes, wonder what it feels like to be tasted, because nobody ever has. The one with the opportunity always claimed it was too dirty. I don't think so, but it's a personal choice, so I usually keep quiet about the need.
Turn me over on my stomach you can see the back, and I know nothing. Nobody has shown me anything positive thereof. I know it curved, with a lot of beauty marks. I know my ass begs for attention sometimes, because it has been used as an alternate form of getting inside before, It had begun because of the lack of pregnancy worries, but I know it's a little too alternative for a lot of people that are not poker players, so I keep still. But I do miss it sometimes because I enjoy feeling full, and sometimes completely taken or owned, so to speak, in every way possible.
That's all I can think of for now and/or feel brave enough to write down. Feel free to ask any questions you would like, and turn it around whenever you want to, in order to tell me about yourself, so I can design ways to give back to you at the earliest opportunity.
I'm scared of what you'll think of me now, but I'm going to send this off now, before I have time to change my mind.
Love and light always,
Amber
Dear one,
I realize I don't usually e-mail you, but I may not get to talk to you today because you are trying to be out and about right now, and later is the play for me. Besides, today's a perfect day out, and it made me think of you.
So I decided to try to do something that I've ever done before. I guess you could call the idea a version of the honoring your body project, with a twist. Because I cannot see my whole body yet to do the project for myself, I'm going to try to tell you what I know about my own body, just out of interest for both of us, so that you know what little I know better, to make rare connected times even more happy and peaceful; and also that I am forced to actually describe what I know. I'm actually a little afraid, but I'm going to do it anyway. I know it goes without saying, but this does not, any of it, show itself anywhere else without asking first. I'm nervous and excited enough as it is.
You figured some of it out already on your own. For example, my head/hair. I love having them played with, especially by a person that I know truly cares. It is so relaxing, and pulls me into a moment and/or my body, rather than letting me float above it. Anything that does that is truly important, as I tend to see myself as my mind without a body. So it is the same thing with the trick you've found that I did not even have words for before; finding my neck/heartbeat and staying there in some way until you feel me become completely present.
My ears are just warm, but also ticklish. Because I hear so well, any whisper at a low and/or intense enough register hits the base of my spine somehow and makes me squirm. This can be fun to play with, but it's also a little cruel. Also, they are obviously good for receiving encouraging sounds and/or words from you. Now, I gather you are not usually much of a verbalizer in these types of moments, and I respect that, understand it, and would never force you to be.
But you should know that, at least in our current surroundings, a little of that helps me. The night you tried a little of that was the most awesomely intense for me so far, because it shut out the train, (which is like a clock for me because I know it runs every 15 minutes) worries about the neighbor, sounds in the hall, anger over violations, and most amazingly and importantly, all of the negative voices in my head. And present? I don't think I've ever been more so in my life. I could see, hear, and feel everywhere you were and everything you were trying to show me. And it was mine. My body was my own amazing beautiful thing, not just something to try to escape from regularly. I think that's one reason why my release was so elusive. I never ever ever wanted that feeling of power and beauty to end.
That being said, when we finally get to a place where we don't have to worry about any of that other stuff, I will purely enjoy just feeling in complete silence as much as you do.
My nose was noted as well. I could smell sunshine stored in skin, and my smell, which I love, and a little of you, which reminded me a little of the earth after a rain.
My hands and arms are a little weak to be able to give back much, but they are hypersensitive to what we once and again called tracing. It makes me feel all powerful, like I can just jump off the bed and pull you down. It was the idea behind how I tried desperately to give back to you.
My breasts enjoy all you have given them so far. I love the suckle feeling, because I can really feel the energy leaving me and flowing into you. You can be a little more firm in sucking if you want so that I don't float away. Similarly, sometimes they actually physically ache, and squeezing helps this. Don't worry about causing pain. I'll tell you when it hurts.
I don't know much about my belly, not much positive anyway. The one little secret there is that my bellybutton seems to have a direct inside connection with my pussy, or at least it used to. Give me circles there, and I can feel them inside. Have no idea why. I used to try to use it as small comfort. Never completely worked on my tries, though.
Similarly, I have no clue about my legs except they're skinny and don't do much good. They do like to be traced, and seems to spread open to varying degrees automatically when I am close to release. Nothing about my feet is known, except there are small and very ticklish.
About my pussy itself, you know more than me at the moment. I just know circles are good, deep is sometimes very good, and the energy for release is too elusive, and usually hide at first in the deep lower right-hand corner. And I do, very desperately sometimes, wonder what it feels like to be tasted, because nobody ever has. The one with the opportunity always claimed it was too dirty. I don't think so, but it's a personal choice, so I usually keep quiet about the need.
Turn me over on my stomach you can see the back, and I know nothing. Nobody has shown me anything positive thereof. I know it curved, with a lot of beauty marks. I know my ass begs for attention sometimes, because it has been used as an alternate form of getting inside before, It had begun because of the lack of pregnancy worries, but I know it's a little too alternative for a lot of people that are not poker players, so I keep still. But I do miss it sometimes because I enjoy feeling full, and sometimes completely taken or owned, so to speak, in every way possible.
That's all I can think of for now and/or feel brave enough to write down. Feel free to ask any questions you would like, and turn it around whenever you want to, in order to tell me about yourself, so I can design ways to give back to you at the earliest opportunity.
I'm scared of what you'll think of me now, but I'm going to send this off now, before I have time to change my mind.
Love and light always,
Amber
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